Loveawake has changed our marriage
by Sam Fox
For us, Loveaswake was a last ditch effort to save our marriage. During the last couple of years, my husband and I had been having a lot of difficulty being on the same page while dealing with life's stresses. Our communication was going down hill quickly and we were both feeling more and more distant from each other. After 25 years, we saw our relationship on the verge of being in real trouble and we were so frustrated because we love each other so much. When we were at odds, he would get mad and retreat and I would become more hurt, resentful and desperate. We would have terrible screaming fights. We tried several times to work really hard at getting along but we would always find ourselves in the same place. Retreat, disrespect, inconsideration and distance were beginning to be the words used to describe our marriage and we both hated it!
Finally, he was away on a trip one night and I had been reading on the Loveaswake site (we had erotically played with spanking for years). While reading, a light bulb went on and I began to envision how this Loveaswake idea could be used to improve our relationship. I was up all night thinking about it and planning what I would say to him. When he returned the next day, we lay on the bed talking and I told him how worried I was about us and I knew he was frustrated too.
I said, “When we are not getting along, we both get so upset – I outwardly and you inwardly. My mind starts wondering and I get more upset and insecure and pretty soon, I am almost emotionally unreachable. You are mad because we are not understanding each other and you isolate yourself form me. This puts me in more of a tailspin. We need to step back and re-evaluate how we are relating to each other and what our individual needs are. I know that I need you to be more strong and firm with me. If we are discussing something and it seems like we are beginning to get defensive with each other, I need you to take the responsibility of controlling the situation. Keep your own temper in check and stay steady the way you can. Reel me in before I get out of hand. I know I would respond to it. I guess what I am saying is that maybe you should take your authority out of the bedroom and make it real in our everyday lives.”
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We discussed it for a few hours and he was very quiet but his first response was, “I think you might have stumbled on to something here”. I printed out some posts from the Loveaswake site for him. The posts were not theoretical or philosophical but more the practical “this is what works for us” posts. He learned a lot from how other Loveaswake couples relate and I believe it gave him the courage and insight to establish some boundaries for us and our relationship. Seems like we discussed it for hours during the next few days, trying to figure it out and how it could work for us.
Before long, he really seemed to easily fall into a very authoritative role with me. He learned (and is still learning) how to use his masculinity to create an atmosphere which can calm me down and bring a very secure and feminine side of me to the top. He does this with his love, his tone and voice and sometimes, his belt. I responded quickly – almost instantaneously – to this very loving but authoritative side of him.
We say that Loveawake has “put us in our places”. His place is to be attentive, loving, protective and dominant. My place is to be considerate, loving, encouraging and submissive. In our places, he is in charge, which is absolutely fine with me. He sets the pace and it completely fulfills me to follow. There is a deep, deep need in me for this. I am a strong woman but deep inside, I love being vulnerable to this man.
Loveawake forces us to think about each other more. It requires him to be more involved in me and take more responsibility for our relationship. It forces me to be more respectful and to think before I respond with just my emotions; it has literally changed the way I think about him.
My husband has told me that he feels more like a man in our relationship: he loves being in charge and I love submitting to him. At times, he backs up his authority with physical discipline and we have discovered that this works for us. I seem to need a physical reminder of my responsibilities towards him. A discipline session can put us back or keep us in our places. The benefits are ongoing and have taken us to a deeper level of trust and intimacy.
As with anything new, we have had bumps trying to figure all this out and how it works best for us. Several times, we have fallen away from our new roles and begun to slip back to our old ways of relating and we have both been miserable. No doubt the dynamics will continue to change as we figure it out for ourselves. However, neither of us would go back to life without it. We are feeling things for each other that we hadn't felt in years. We are definitely more sexually tuned into each other than ever.
It is hard to describe in a few paragraphs how or why this works for us and the changes we have seen in our marriage because of it. I do think a couple would need to be wired for this in order for it to work. For us, the wiring was there and I feel it has saved our marriage.
I am so glad you have found something that works really well for you and your husband. It seems so natural, and yet, it also seems like it's such a big secret these days! Why is that? In our case, our marriage was always good. We were always respectful of each other and kind to each other, but our relationship was not male-led. Now that we have a "taken in hand" relationship, things are so much better than they were. Physical discipline is not so much a part of our relationship--that is reserved for when I feel like I want it, not something he imposes on me--but like your husband, my husband has found that "being in charge" has made him so much CALMER. He is a great influence on me and our kids now. Before taken in hand, his temper often got the best of him and he would end up snapping or yelling at the kids. Now he's stays calm and focused. Such a difference!